On Letting Go...

I have decided that I must let go of any thoughts or feelings that are linked to the said 'love'. I have to go get some professional help however, because I have a feeling I will just continue to go through this cycle over and over until I die if I don't. I'm sure there are some underlying factors that contribute to this obsession or addiction or whatever it is. Those factors must be dealt with. I am tired of this getting in the way of my life and more importantly any love that I may have come into contact with. I am a mess and I need help disparately. So, here I go again.

To let go, or not to let go... That is the question...

I have had an interesting past couple a weeks to say the least. It's almost as if it was all supposed to happen. Finding somebody that made me so incredibly happy followed by the act that tore it all down, and then experiencing the series of events after which were linked to reason it all fell apart. It all came together, and now I have to find a way to make an ending to all of this.

My mind, body, and soul is so wrapped up in this inside world of mine, there must be a reason all of this is happening. I can't help but think that fate has been up to some mischievous work and that maybe I'm supposed to keep my faith in the dream that began 11 years ago. Quite possibly I need some professional help to let go as well.

My mind try's to tell me that if I can't let go, it must be meant to happen. Some day. I don't know. Maybe I'm just crazy. Love will do that I suppose. What am I supposed to think when he comes around and tells me how much he cares about me.

Such a tragic love story, I think I'll write a book.

Christmas...

This Christmas I am broke, along with many other people I'm sure. I've always enjoyed giving presents to the people I care about. However, this year I have decided not to buy one single present for anybody. It's kind of depressing, not being able to give to those who have helped you out through the year. I suppose this could be a contributing factor to my mood lately, which seems to be getting more and more bitter by the day.

I recall a friend of mine stating something along the lines of, "I can't not get my mother a Christmas present after everything she's done for me all year". My friend is always broke. She's always borrowing money from everybody and never really paying it back. This makes me think about the people who help me, who help friends and family. These people don't want presents. They want their money back, lol.

At any rate, I think I've come to the realization that there is no fancy present that can make up for everything I have been given. I still feel horrible though that I cannot give, and plan to one day pay everybody back what they've given me plus so much more.

Ba-humbug!

A Simply Complicated Introduction...

I have decided in attempt to remedy my confused, disheveled, and doleful thought process that I would begin a blog. This of course comes with the idea that I do not have to talk to anyone about it and look like a fool, or break someone's heart, or even break my own...again. This of course comes with the idea and hope that somebody out there in interspace is reading this and may understand or even help me untangle the web of my mind.

Not more than a week and a half ago, I was the happiest I've been in a very long time, and with one act... It all disappeared. With one act... "It" all started... again.

It has always interfered with every aspect of my life since it began. I may manage to bury it, to hide it, and to make it go away. This is only temporary however. Somehow, at the very worst of times it manages to crawl back out of the hole I buried it in for the umpteenth time and find its way back into my life. It knows when I am finding happiness, and rips it from the delicate grip in which I have on it.

The happiness in my life is always only short-lived and temporary. That is why when I grip it, I grip delicately. There is no use in holding on to it tight as it will only be taken away... in just a matter of time...